Chapter Thirty-Two: "Tomorrow Is My Birthday"

Just outside the forest the weather turned frigid, as Glenn had anticipated. The snow fell to form drifts several feet tall, and the wind whipped at their hair and clothes. Nadia with her bare shoulders and Tifa in her short skirt suffered the most of all from the dramatic fall in temperature. They were beginning to worry when Lucca showed up with Sabin and Cid, each carrying several warm coats. "There’s a town just ahead," she told them. "Put these on and follow me—we’ve already got rooms for the night." They anxiously followed, and Glenn explained what had happened.

Icicle Inn was yet another small town, nestled in the base of the snow-covered mountains. The owner of the inn regarded them suspiciously as they entered, but he didn’t say anything, as his attention was quickly alerted to Celes. The look in her eyes was enough to keep him away.

"Hey, there you are," Cait Sith greeted pleasantly as they entered. He instantly sensed the urgency and despair in all their moods, and thought it better not to add to their despondency. "Glad to see you."

Nadia dropped to the ground at the giant moogle’s feet, utterly exhausted and mentally drained. "God, I can’t believe it. I just can’t."

Lucca whispered what had happened into the cat’s ear, and his manner sobered. "I’m sorry," he said in a noticeably softer tone. He climbed down and sat on his haunches beside her. "I…I don’t know what to say."

She wiped her eyes, which had begun to fill with tears. "What am I going to do?" she asked, choking on the grief she’d tried hard to suppress. She was no longer strong enough to hide it anymore, and the salty stains spread despite her effort. "Damn it, why did they have to run off like that? It’s…" She shook her head, and finally blurted out, "It’s not fair."

"I know." He gave her a warm hug and, following suit, the huge doll wrapped its chubby arms around them both. "I’m sorry, Nadia."

Nadia curled herself in a tight ball, holding onto the doll with its soft fur almost desperately as she cried. "I’m just glad Edgar’s not here to see me like this," she said through the tears. "God, I can just imagine—he’d probably tell some stupid joke and make me laugh." She closed her eyes. "But I don’t want to laugh. Not now."

"I know."

Everyone else spread apart, searching for bed or sofa space in either of the two rented rooms. Cloud didn’t bother looking for a comfortable position—he sat down heavily in the corner, clearly intending to stay there for the night. The rest were unsure as to whether they should risk being near him, as they were quickly informed of his actions. But after much preparation Tifa finally worked up the courage to approach him, carrying a small bundle. She knelt beside the dejected man. "Cloud."

At first he didn’t act as if he’d heard her, but after a considerable silence he raised his head. His pain-filled eyes could only bare to meet hers for a moment. Then they dropped to the thing she carried, and it squeaked happily and leapt into his lap.

"Mog said we should bring Nu with us," Tifa explained, watching for his reaction. So far, nothing. "She wanted to come, I think. She chirped the whole way here on the plane."

He stared down at the bird. "Is that so?"

"Uh-huh."

The little bird nuzzled its head against his chest, warking contentedly. He could only stare. At long last his hand reached out, gently stroking the soft feathers on the top of its head. It was perfectly at peace. Watching him, Tifa smiled.

But then Cloud’s eyes turned cold, and his face contorted in a pained look. He swept the chocobo out of his lap; it cried fearfully as it tumbled onto the floor. He gripped his skull between his hands, and Tifa was surprised to see his tears falling. "Cloud?"

"Aeris was wrong," he whispered hoarsely, trying to draw himself further into the corner. "She said that I…that I…" With trembling hands he covered his face, choking on an anguished sob.
"But I killed her. God, how could I?"

"Cloud, it wasn’t your fault," Tifa tried to reassure him, though she knew it wouldn’t be enough. "Sephiroth made you do it—you couldn’t have changed that."

Cloud shook his head. "No, I should have stopped it." From the floor, Nu was watching him as if wanting to return to his lap. "And that damn chocobo," he hissed. "Why is it looking at me like that? Is a murderer its idea of someone with a clear soul?"

She bit her lip, and in watching him was able to overcome her hesitation. She leaned close, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as they shuddered. "Hush now, Cloud," she told him gently. "Don’t think about it. You’re all right now, okay? Shh." She eased his head onto her own shoulder. "You can cry."

He choked on a sob, and couldn’t help but pull closer to her. He leaned against her and cried, mourning his loss.

When morning arrived, everyone was still lethargic and unwilling to begin any journey right away. Cid and Sabin bought enough food to prepare a somewhat decent meal for the party, which was greatly appreciated. After that, activity broke down. Though they’d not lost their group’s main leaders and the situation at hand was severe, no one was able to come up with a plan of action.

Celes sat on the edge of Cloud’s bed—Tifa had convinced him to rest—and watched the man intently. "Tomorrow is my birthday," she told Tifa and Locke, smiling just barely.

Locke raised his head out of his own thoughts. "You’ll be thirty, won’t you?"

"Yes."

Tifa exchanged glances with him. "What exactly does that mean?"

"It means that Sephiroth is waiting for me with the Black Materia," the general replied. "We will use it to awaken Lavos from the center of the earth. Your planet will be destroyed."

"We’ll find a way to stop you," Locke told her quietly. "You won’t be able to. I won’t let it end like that."

She chuckled. "You won’t find your happy ending, Locke. Just go back to Rachael and enjoy her while you have the chance."

"What will happen to Cloud?" Tifa asked anxiously.

"Why, he’s mine, of course." Celes’s smile darkened. "He is the Father of my Angels, one of Lavos’s children. He will help me." Still smiling she exited the room. "Good luck, both of you."

They watched her go, then Locke turned to Tifa. She could tell just by looking at him how much of a strain the general’s condition was having on him. "You should get outta here for a while," he suggested. "See what everyone’s doing. I’ll watch Cloud."

She nodded barely. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Go on."

"Thanks." She patted him on the shoulder. "Take care, Locke."

But as soon as Tifa left the room she found herself face to face with Sabin; he’d been waiting for her. "Hey." He extended a hand which held a heavy winter parka. "Can we take a walk?"

"I appreciate your speaking to me like this," Lucca said graciously. "I’m sorry if it’s inconvenient."

"Not at all." She’d been invited to the home of an elder man, Gaspar, after hearing that he was, in fact, Belthasar’s brother. He handed her a cup of tea. "We rarely get visitors up here, as you can imagine. Our lives are rather simple."

She sipped from the tea. "That’s not what I’ve heard," she said. "According to legend, this place was very active once."

Gaspar regarded her thoughtfully. "You’re talking about…"

"Yes. Jenova, and the Ancients—or, more appropriately, the Cetra. That’s why my friends and I are here."

"Perhaps you should start from the beginning."

Tifa pulled the fur collar tightly around her neck, trying to keep out the chill. But her body wouldn’t stop shaking—she imagined that it was because of her company. Sabin’s face was without emotion, anger or otherwise, but she could see that he was tense. The two of them had journeyed away from the village and a ways into the forest in search of privacy. A light snow was falling, and it already blanketed the tall evergreens, making the branches glitter in the morning light. The beauty, however, never reached either of them.

After several minutes of travel Sabin finally slowed. "Is this okay?" he asked. "Can we talk?"

"Okay." Tifa seated herself on a snow-covered rock, stuffing her hands under her arms to keep them warm. "I guess…you want to settle this."

"Yeah…settle." He pursed his lips, glanced about, and finally squatted down in front of her. "Guess so. I…" He wasn’t just tense—he was nervous, hopeful, and afraid all at once, caught between wanting and not wanting, and driven mad by the constant questions that hung in his mind. "This has to end, Tifa—the guessing, I mean. We have to at least tell the truth."

"I agree." She realized that she was still shaking. "It’s only fair, right?"

"Yes. Fair." Sabin rubbed his hands together, stalling, though he didn’t mean to. "I mean, for both of us."

"Right."

A moment of silence passed, and at last Sabin spoke up again. "About that night—" he started.

"You were right," Tifa interrupted. "It was a mistake, like you said before. We were drunk. I mean, it’s not the first time something like that’s happened to me—when you own a bar, you know."

His eyes met hers. "It’s the first time for me."

Tifa cringed—somehow she’d guessed that, and it would make things remarkably more difficult. "I’m not going to launch into my life story," Sabin continued, "but you know what it’s like to train under a martial arts master, don’t you? Didn’t you learn from Zangen? I learned from his brother."

She stared at him, surprised. "You trained under Duncan?" she asked incredulously. Duncan was a master of Blitz, a very rare form of martial arts that was based loosely on the technique Tifa had studied as a child. Duncan had a reputation for accepting only the best pupils, and training with them for years at a time in isolation. Zangen had always shunned his brother’s impossibly strict tactics.

Sabin nodded. "For ten years, out in the Wutai mountains. There were only a handful of us. You can imagine what that’s like, I’m sure."

"Actually, I can’t," she admitted. Ten years out there? No way. But no wonder he’d never… "But what does that have to do with anything?"

"It’s a complicated way of saying that I don’t let things go," he said, his tone almost frighteningly serious. "You should know that."

"Okay. But you should also know that I…" She licked her lips, and found them cracked and dry. "I can’t let things go either. And I…" She scowled at herself. "Damn it, why is it so hard just to say it? I…"

"You mean…Cloud…"

"Yes. Cloud." And suddenly she declared, "I’m in love with Cloud. I have been from the start, and I still am. There. I said it." Tifa started to climb to her feet. "Now can we please—"

But he snatched her arm before she could move. "Not yet," he said firmly, but his voice was shaking. "Just a minute. We’re not finished."

"Sabin, can’t you see that this—"

"He doesn’t love you." Sabin was blunt—he’d always been that way, and he couldn’t hold anything back now. "Cloud’s loved Aeris for a while—I could tell. He’s had his eye on her since they met."

Tifa ripped her hand back. "Don’t you think I know that?" she snapped. "Do you think it’s easy to listen to? Of course I know that. But Cloud…" Her eyes escaped his. "He really did love me once, I’m sure of it. And maybe…"

His eyes turned cold. "Now that Aeris is dead, you think—"

"Never!" She leapt to her feet before he could stop her. "How dare you even imply that I’m thinking like that." She swiped angrily at her dampening eyes, sure that the tears would only freeze on her cheeks. "I’m not like that, Sabin—you know that, don’t you? You think you know everything about me." She closed her eyes briefly. "We weren’t really friends, but I would never be glad if a person—a comrade—died.

Sabin also stood. "I didn’t say that."

"But you were going to. And I—"

He took her by the shoulders suddenly with a grip that was startlingly fierce. "Listen to me Tifa," he commanded; his intense hazel eyes bore into hers, and she couldn’t look away. "I think you’re amazing—I have since the moment I met you. I know I’m not good enough but I’m working hard and it’s all for you. Cloud doesn’t love you anymore—it’s not something you can change, don’t you understand? You can’t invent a relationship by wishing."

"I know," she barely whispered, stunned by his words and tone. "But…but I can’t give up on him, because I…"

"Damnit Tifa," Sabin cried, "why can’t you see that I’m the one that loves you?"

Neither moved for what seemed like an eternity, until Sabin broke the spell by pulling her into a long, desperately passionate kiss. Her body was too numbed by shock and cold to resist. Caught in that forever she could feel the pain she’d caused him, and the longing he still carried despite it: she could feel it in his arms through the strength in which he held her; could feel it in the harshness of his lips; could even feel it in the swift pulse of his heart. He wanted her—he loved her.

But…

When finally they separated her lips were still numb—perhaps an effect of her own doing. Their eyes met, both realizing that the other was crying. Sabin knew. Despite his own faith he could tell that he was fighting a worthless battle—her lips were cold to his. Tifa knew, too. Her battle was just as difficult, and even knowing her chances were thin, her stubborn heart refused to surrender. Even if it meant giving up this man who loved her so fully, she had to try. She had to keep fighting.

She removed her gloves, reaching to wipe away his tears. "I’m sorry," was all she said.

Sabin nodded, returning her favor. He simply answered, "Me too." He pulled her into one final embrace, and kissed her forehead though he was trembling. "Good luck."

Then they broke apart, making their way silently back to the village.

"Fine. Yes, I’ll tell him." One of the Highwind’s bridge technicians turned to Rufus. "Mr. President, it’s a report from the Turks. They’ve located Cloud’s group in Icicle Inn."

He nodded. "That’s fine. Tell them to keep a close eye on that group, and they’ll be retrieved later." He turned to Daryl. "Continue on to the crater."

"Yes, sir."

"…And then we came here," Lucca finished, settling back in her chair. "That’s everything."

"It’s quite a story," said Gaspar. "Incredible, almost. You’ve certainly gone through a lot."

"Yes." She sighed. "And it’s still not over. I wonder what’ll happen…"

Gaspar hummed thoughtfully. "I think I can help you," he said, "as long as you answer me this. The Ancient you spoke of…what was her name?"

Lucca frowned. "Aeris. Why?"

"Nothing. Only… I think I knew her mother." He sighed wearily. "The last of the Ancients used to live here, before Shin-ra came and took the family. I always wondered what happened to them."

"I’m sorry. I don’t really know about that."

"It’s alright." Gaspar rubbed his eyes, shaking off his reminiscences. "But that was a long time ago. Now, if everything is as you say, great measures will have to be taken to ensure the safety of the planet. If you go to the Northern Crater you may be able to stop this man before he awakens Lavos—it’s the only chance."

"How can we get there?"

"My granddaughter, Relm, will show you the path you can take. I’ll call her right away."

Lucca nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Gaspar. Don’t worry; we’ll take care of everything."

Nadia took a deep breath as she stood outside the door to Cloud’s room. It was difficult for her, as her strength in this journey was beginning to deteriorate. She was exhausted from having cried all the night before in Cait Sith’s arms, and her body was stiff from the harsh cold of this place. She wanted desperately to go back to Midgar—even the smog and the dark were more familiar to her than this. She wanted to spend a warm night in a comfortable bed that she knew, see her friends—especially Edgar—and forget about the fate of the world.

But she couldn’t. She felt that without Aeris there was a part of their group missing, and even if she couldn’t replace the cheerful sprite she could at least try to fill in the hole. Aeris had always insisted to her that Cloud be given a chance—it was a responsibility, she realized, they’d both put on her to take care of him. One way or the other.

She exhaled heavily and opened the door.

Cloud was sitting on his bed, leaning against the headboard and watching the tiny chocobo that sat just beyond his cross legs. "Hello, Nadia," he said without looking up. There was no one else in the room. She wondered how he’d known.

"Hey, Cloud." She sat on the edge of the bed next to Nu; the bird was diligently watching its adopted father, as if waiting. They were both waiting. "What’re you doing?"

His head was down so that she couldn’t see his facial expression. "Nothing," he murmured within a sigh.

"What’s with Nu?"

Cloud shook his head slowly. "Aeris was wrong." As if to prove a point he reached out his hand, and the bird eagerly shuffled over to him and sat in his lap. He petted it gently. "I still like Nu, though. I don’t care. But Aeris was wrong."

Nadia edged closer, but when she did so her body shuddered. She couldn’t explain to herself why. "Wrong about what?"

"The chocobo." He continued to stroke the animal’s delicate feathers. "She said that they only feel comfortable around pure people with clear souls."

"I guess that means you’re a great guy," she chimed in pleasantly.

Cloud’s mood, however, could not be lifted as easily as that. "No, I’m not." He lifted his head so that she could see him. "Something is happening to me."

Nadia gasped and leaned back, shocked less by his appearance than the feeling that accompanied it. His eyes, once a deep azure, were now completely colorless. They shone pure white like nothing she’d ever seen before. "My god…" She reached out hesitantly to touch his bottom eyelid, as if trying to prove to herself that he was real. "What is this?"

"I have Jenova cells in my body," he replied in a low tone, allowing her to prod at his face. "I can feel them multiplying. Remember how Terra said that the Ancients were mutated by Jenova? Those were her Angels. They guarded her, so that someday she would transform into another creature that would find a new planet to repeat the cycle with." He closed his eyes. "I am one of those Angels—the Father, even. So is Sephiroth. Celes wants one more to help guard the spawn inside her, and then she’ll awaken Lavos to destroy the earth."

Nadia rubbed her eyes, now more eager than ever to leave this place and these worries behind. But her fears were now multiplied, and she searched for some word of advice or encouragement. "Can’t you fight it?" she asked hopefully. "You’ve been okay until now. Isn’t there some way?"

"Okay?" Cloud repeated incredulously. "Nadia, I killed her. You think that means I’m ‘okay’?"

"I didn’t mean that." She struggled to control an outburst of accusation. "I mean, this Lavos thing is supposed to be, like, immortal or something, right? If he was so powerful we’d’ve been dead by now! They managed to seal him up all those years ago. We could do it again. We just have to try."

Cloud stared at her with a bland expression, his gaze searching perhaps another dimension. She knew immediately what he was about to say. "There is a way," he murmured. "You could kill me."

"No, Cloud, I couldn’t." She edged away from him unconsciously. "I can’t—I won’t. There’s got to be another way."

"You have to," he insisted, taking the chocobo out of his lap and setting it aside. It complained in squeaking noises. "Don’t you understand what I told you? Sephiroth is inside me." He snatched her hand and held it against his chest so that she could feel the waves of circulating power trapped in his human skin. "If I die, he dies—see? I did my part." He let her go, and she recoiled like a wounded animal out of instinctual fear. "You don’t have to protect me—I’m ready for this. You have to trust me."

Nadia stared in disbelief as he reached into a drawer of the bedside table and removed a long, double-edged dagger. He turned the handle towards her. "You’re serious, aren’t you?" she whispered. "You can’t be…"

"I am." She’d never seen Cloud’s face as calm and accepting as she did in that moment; he had embraced this fate for himself fully, willingly, and without spite or regret. It was a chilling thought, knowing that he was ready to die. She was still battling with indecision when the door opened, and he hid the weapon faster than what she could see.

"Get yer asses up," Cid commanded from the door. "We’re a’headin’ for the Northern Crater, and it’s as frosty as hell is blazin’, so pack it up and let’s go."

"Give us a while," Nadia said, a bit startled.

Cid shrugged. "Sure thing. But be quick—Lucca’s all hyped up and we’ve got Turks on the loose."

"We’ll be right there." Once he’d gone Nadia turned back to Cloud. "Listen," she said, jabbing at him with her finger. "I know you’re upset, but this won’t help—you can’t just kills yourself, and you can’t make me kill you because there’s got to be a better way. Besides, I’d be letting a friend down if I did that." She stood, glaring down at him with firm authority. "Understand? You’re going to pull yourself together right now, and I’m not taking excuses. Now put on your long underwear and let’s go kick this SOB’s ass."

Cloud stared up at her, blinking rapidly in surprise at her sudden command. After a moment he lowered and his head nodded.

She wasn’t convinced. "Right, Cloud? No more stupid excuses. Got it?"

He sighed, and nodded again. "Got it."

"Good. I’ll be waiting outside." After watching him a moment more she turned and left, closing the door behind her. As she had promised she waited just outside, reflecting on what she’d just done. She wondered if it had worked. The "supreme authority" act wasn’t as fun when it was forced, but it was usually effective.

A moment later Cloud came out, bundled up in the thick coats with Nu curled in the elbow of his left arm. "There," Nadia said triumphantly. "Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but just then his gaze drifted past her and caught sight of two approaching figures. His mouth shut again, and Nadia turned to look. It was Tifa and Sabin.

Tifa forced a smile into place. She was still debating on her next course of action when she felt a hand on he back, gently urging her forward. "It’s okay," the man whispered in her ear, giving her a push. "Go talk to him."

She glanced back to see Sabin’s face, not quite knowing what to expect. She found his expression to be a mask of ease over defeat. Sabin’s strong she told herself, even knowing that she’d broken his heart and didn’t deserve all the kindness he gave her. He’ll be okay. I wish I didn’t have to hurt him… She nodded, and he stopped walking as she continued to meet Cloud. He’s a prince—a perfect prince.

Nadia moved over to Sabin as Tifa joined Cloud. She put a hand on his arm. "Are you okay?" she asked carefully.

"When this is all over," he replied weakly, "remind me to get very, very drunk. Then I’ll be okay."

"Hmm." She sighed, realizing what must have happened. "Hang in there big guy."

"Yeah."

Cloud and Tifa were talking, and as they watched Cloud reached out to touch Tifa’s face. Nadia could almost feel the man at her side tensing. She cringed. The two spoke quietly, and just when she’d grown rather confused she saw Cloud’s gaze shift to Sabin if only for a moment. His eyes were silently challenging.

Nadia didn’t understand until she saw Sabin’s face draw tight in anger. He didn’t even try to hide his balled fists. His own eyes were ablaze with raging jealously. Then she caught on, and cursed beneath her breath. "That son of a bitch’s better at manipulating people than that Sephiroth. God damn him." She touched Sabin’s arm. "Hey, don’t pay attention to him. He’s just trying to piss you off."

"It’s working," he replied gruffly.

Cloud leaned forward then and gently kissed Tifa on the forehead—the same place Sabin’s lips had touched only minutes earlier. Their eyes me.

Nadia acted before Sabin could by slapping his stomach with the flat of her hand; though her strength was lacking, the impact alerted his attention. The anger in his eyes startled her but she struggled to keep her ground. "Sabin, cut it out," she hissed. "Don’t let Cloud intimidate you—he’s doing that on purpose. Let it be."

Cloud took Tifa’s arm and started to lead her away; she didn’t resist. And though Sabin shifted restlessly as they left he managed to hold himself still. Once they’d gone he pounded his fist against the wall in frustration. "Goddamnit, doesn’t he get it?" he growled. "He’s just toying with her. He doesn’t love Tifa. I swear I’ll kill him my—"

"Stop it," Nadia half shouted. "Please, just stop. Don’t you see—that’s what he wants!"

"Son of a—"

"Sabin, listen to me." She stood in front of him. "Please, try to understand. Cloud thinks the only way to end this is by killing him, and he asked me to do it."

His gaze on her was cold. "So?"

"So?" she echoed. "Sabin, this is a man’s life we’re talking about, and there’s no time to fight over who gets Tifa anymore." She felt her insides trembling with emotion, and without warning or reason Crono’s face resurfaced in her mind’s eye. "After everything that’s happened… everything’s falling apart, and I can’t hold this up on my own."

"So what the hell do you want me to do?"

"Just listen." Somehow she was able to find the strength to continue. "Cloud’s trying to die—it wouldn’t work on me, but I know Glenn wouldn’t hesitate for a minute. At the very least will you help me keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t try anything?" When he didn’t respond she added, "For Aeris’s sake?"

As she had hoped, Sabin’s face softened. "Aeris was a good friend," he said, sighing deeply. "For her sake, I’ll help."

"Thank you. I know it’s hard." Nadia stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "You’re amazing, Sabin. I mean that. Thanks."

He nodded wearily. "Yeah, sure. But you take first shift, okay? I think I gotta lie down for a while."

"Sure," she replied sympathetically. "But don’t take too long—we’ll be leaving for the crater soon."

"Wake me." With a wave of his hand he slipped into one of the empty rooms, leaving Nadia alone in the hall. After releasing a sigh of relief she turned and followed Cloud and Tifa.

"It’s right up ahead," the young girl said, pointing to a narrow path in the trees ahead of them. "Follow it till the end of the forest, and you’ll come to a ridge. That’s the edge of the crater."

"Thanks for you help, Relm," Lucca replied gratefully. "Tell that to your grandfather, too. Can you make it okay?"

She made a face. "I am the one who guided you out here, remember?" she retorted.

"Oh yeah, right."

Cloud knelt down in front of the younger girl. "I have a favor to ask."

"Yeah?"

"Back at the inn there’s a baby chocobo," he told her, his face very serious. "Her name is Nu. Will you take care of it for me?"

Relm smiled and nodded. "Sure, mister. You can trust me."

"I know. She’ll like you, I’m sure. Thank you." After a moment of awkwardness he patted her lightly on the head. Only he noticed that she shuddered when he did so. Then he stood and rejoined the group. After hastened good-byes Relm wished them luck and scampered back toward the village.

To Next Chapter

Return