Chapter Eleven: "Nothing Is Real…"

Edgar finished buttoning his shirt and stared at himself in the mirror. "My god, I look like hell," he laughed, straightening his tie. "What a mess, what a mess." His face was still a bit paler than normal, and his blond hair hung limply from his scalp. Eight days of "recovering" in Shin-ra’s medical wing had left him feeling wearier than ever, and he was anxious to be out and about once more. However, he did somewhat fear what changes had occurred in his absence.

There was a knock on the door, and he called for the person to enter. It was Reeve. "It’s good to see you up, Edgar," he said, closing the door behind him.

"No thanks to the blasted doctors," the king replied, half-joking and half-bitter. "I could have been out five days ago."

"Unfortunately, you’re probably right." He came closer. "I came here to fill you in."

Edgar nodded. "I could use some updating. Go ahead."

"Rufus is gone," Reeve started. "He left just after his father’s death, following one of the two men both believed to be aiding Sephiroth. He’s got the entire company chasing them—says he’ll lead us to the Promised Land this time."

"Hojo’s been talking about Sephiroth for the last year," Edgar added, half to himself. "He predicted something would happen. Go on, please."

"Well, Rufus just reached Costa del Sol last night, and met up with Professor Hojo and Miss Scarlet. They left me here to help keep you in line, I guess, because it seems you’ll be running things while Rufus is gone."

He snorted. "Imagine that: a king running his country."

Reeve smiled humorlessly. "I thought you might want to know about the other intruders. And the man that killed President Shin-ra."

"Yes, yes." Edgar became serious. "Tell me everything."

"The man known as Cloud Strife was reported to be in Junon, as well as the Ancient. The Turks are keeping an eye on them. But we’ve had some internal trouble as well: General Celes Chere has been reported a traitor, and Miss Rannel, Professor Hojo’s technical assistant, has gone missing. They were last spotted heading west, and they’re also being tracked. We assume the two groups are attempting to rejoin. And one more thing," he added in a low tone. "Sir Heidegger was just reported dead. Murdered by what appears to be a member of SOLDIER."

"SOLDIER?" Edgar stared at him, but his bewilderment lasted only a moment. "SOLDIERs killing their own," he mused, his face troubled. "Everyone’s in an uproar…it’s all too familiar." He shook himself. "Never mind that, though. Do we have a replacement for Heidegger?"

Reeve shrugged. "I’m just an executive," he replied. "I don’t know about military procedure."

"Oh, yes, of course." He straightened and grinned half-heartedly. "I must have thought you to be my assistant. Sorry. I’ll take the matter up with her later." His eyes wandered to his own reflection once more, and he asked quietly, "What about the former President’s daughter?"

"Missing. No one has reported her yet."

Edgar nodded barely, then forced himself to stay alert. "Well, I suppose I have to play King for once." He laughed. "I’ll show those bastards that I’m not here ‘cause of my looks, eh? Maybe rally some support for a dying monarchy."

Reeve smiled. "Yes. Maybe."

Cloud blinked, staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t know where he was. "What is?" he asked aloud.

"Who are you?"

"What do you think I should do?"

"Alright." Cloud closed his eyes, and when they opened once more it was morning. Bright light shone through the shuttered windows; it stung his eyes. Rubbing the back of his neck he sat up and then stood. He was at an inn—one in Costa del Sol. He remembered now; they were going to meet that girl Lucca who had helped them through the Shin-ra building. He wondered idly why they bothered. Shrugging to himself he went into the inn lobby, forgetting the strange voice that had spoken during his sleep.

"Look who finally crawled out of bed," Nadia said, crossing her arms. The other three were there as well, seated on chairs and couches, waiting for him. "We’ve been sitting her forever. It’s about time."

Cloud glared at her, then only shrugged. "Whatever. So where’s this Lucca person?"

"Not here," Tifa answered, looking concerned. Her eyes met his briefly, then escaped once more. "The clerk said she checked out yesterday afternoon. I wonder where she is…"

Cloud sat down next to her on the sofa, startling her. "God damn, it’s hot," he muttered, and without any slight hesitation peeled off his shirt and dumped it on the floor. Everyone fell silent. Tifa felt a redness creeping up her neck, and did her best to hide it. She crossed her legs and arms and looked away. Aeris was also blushing, but as he wasn’t paying attention to her she took the opportunity to look him over. Sabin exchanged a look with Nadia. "Is it really that hot," the latter said wryly, "or are you just showing off for us ladies?"

He had been rubbing his eyes, and after a moment he looked up. "What?"

Sabin leaned forward in his chair, and even as he caught a pleading look from Tifa, he went ahead anyway. "Better put that back on before one or two of our members swoon," he advised.

Tifa covered her face, utterly embarrassed, as Cloud glanced at her sideways. He lifted an eyebrow suggestively, and her cheeks burned bright red. He laughed. "Didn’t know I had that affect," he said thoughtfully.

"Don’t go thinking you’re so special, Cloud Strife," Aeris rejoined though equally flustered. "You’re not as good looking as you think."

"Oh?"

"I can’t believe something as skinny as that beat me," Sabin muttered indignantly.

This caught his attention, and Tifa cringed. "What do you mean?" Cloud asked.

"Back in Midgar," he started to explain, but then stopped, scratching the back of his head. "Uh, never mind."

"No, I wanna hear." Cloud also leaned forward, sporting a look of amused arrogance. "If I kicked your ass and don’t remember, please refresh me."

Sabin and Tifa exchanged glances, not knowing what to do. Celes had told them not to mention anything about their first encounter, and it was advice both had stuck to carefully. "It’s not important," Tifa said after a short pause, trying to sound cheerful. "I mean, we should worry about finding Lucca, right?" She started to get up. "I’m gonna go take a look—"

"No." Cloud snatched her wrist, and she started. "I want to talk."

"But Cloud—"

"Sit down." He pulled her back into the sofa and held her close to him, glaring at the others with his intense, accusing eyes. "I want to know what’s going on," he declared loudly. "I want answers and I want them now."

"Let her go," Sabin instructed evenly, fists clenching at his sides.

Cloud’s eyes narrowed. "I want answers," he repeated. "Why do you all look at me like that? Like I’m some damn psycho and I’m the one you’re chasing?"

He blinked slowly. "You said it, not me."

Cloud leapt to his feet, dragging Tifa with him. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Cloud, stop it." Aeris stood as well, crossing toward him. "Try to calm down."

"Shut up," he snapped back. "I know you all think I’m crazy, but I’m not. Tell them, Tifa." He pushed her forward. "You know Sephiroth—tell them I’m not crazy."

Tifa stumbled a bit, looking to Sabin for help, but his eyes were on Cloud. "I don’t think you’re crazy," she started slowly.

"Then tell them." He grabbed her shoulders and spun her to face the others, unable to control the sudden anger he was feeling. "Tell them, or else, why you look at me like you’re afraid of me. Like I’m a monster."

She tried to face him. "Cloud—"

Cloud turned her back around. "Tell them. Please, Tifa, just tell them." By now he was pleading with her.

A heavy silence fell, penetrating the group. Nadia shifted in her seat. Aeris bit her lip. Sabin was watching Tifa, and she didn’t know what to do. She remembered when she had met Cloud in the Train Graveyard; she didn’t want him to go back to that again. Not ever. "You’re being paranoid," she replied quietly. "No one’s accusing you of anything."

"Bull shit." He shoved her—hard, and she almost fell over. "Five years, Tifa. Am I really that much different? What am I—a monster? Why can’t you just tell me?" His body was shaking terribly, and his muscles were tense in his arms and jaws. "Tifa, what happened to me? What am I?"

"It’s not you, Cloud." She looked at him briefly over her shoulder, then turned away so he couldn’t see the pain in her face. "It’s not you at all. None of that was your fault. It’s just me." She wrapped herself in her arms, as she was now trembling as well. "Five years is a long time. Look at you." She felt tears forming in her eyes, and quickly slapped them away. "God damnit, look at me—at us. You’re so different, and I’m the same. You got your dreams. And I…I don’t feel like I don’t understand you anymore."

Cloud stared at her turned back for a long time, and had she seen the look in his eyes all her barriers would have shattered in an instant. A minute passed, and no one dared to breathe. At long last he stepped forward, and his hands came down on her shoulders. He felt the smooth, sweat-dampened flesh beneath his fingers, touched his cheek to her soft brown hair, and shuddered. She was here—right here with him and closer than she’d ever been before. She was all he knew, the only thing that connected him to a past he could no longer reach. He breathed her in, and let go of the scent in a low sigh that cascaded like waves of frigid ice down her neck. His voice was a low, hoarse whisper. "Maybe you never understood me, Tifa."

She closed her eyes, letting the tears slide unheeded down her cheeks. But as she had always been, she stayed silent. She held her breath as his hands slipped from her shoulders. She calmed her shivering as he moved away. She stopped her heart as he walked out the door. Only then did she allow Sabin to take her into his arms, and she wept.

Cloud dropped to his knees in the tall grass, then allowed himself to collapse completely. He was shaking and he felt sick. "Leave me alone," he hissed, burying his face in the soft earth as if it might comfort him. "I…I don’t want to give this up."

"Why do you cling to that woman so faithfully?" The voice floated to him from all directions, dancing behind his closed eyelids and twisting in his gut. It spread fiery pain through him. "She’s been lying to you, and she buries the truth. Let her go."

"No." He dug his fingers into the fresh soil, trying to drive the ever-present intruder from his mind. "No, I don’t want to. You can’t make me."

The words grew in volume, solidifying until they had a source, just above him. He raised his head, gazing up into the branches of a tall tree that loomed over his head. He could almost see a man perched there. "Look at what you’ve done for her," the man said slowly, as if explaining to a small child. "Everything you suffered, and now she turns her back on you. You worshipped her and she left you in hell to die. To bury the truth."

Cloud gripped the sides of his head, growling in anger and pain. "Stop it—you hear me? I won’t let her go!"

The voice did not come again, and when Cloud eventually forced his eyes open again, the scene before him had changed. He was still in the field with the tree, but now it was late evening, and the hot wind had turned cool as it drifted from the ocean. He glanced about, uncomprehending the passage of time. When he examined the tree nearby, he found it to be empty.

"What the hell…" He climbed to his feet wearily, turning into circles. "What’s going on!" No one answered him. Was he imagining things? It didn’t seem possible that he’d been in the field as long as the position of the sun indicated. Confused and alarmed he started back toward the dusk lights of Costa del Sol. He didn’t want to go back to the inn and risk meeting Tifa, so he wandered a while until he came to a small building on the edge of town. Curiously he entered.

It was a church from the looks of it, but old from not being used; the stain glass windows were rusty and cracked, and the pews were beginning to rot. Aeris was there, kneeling as if in prayer in front of an altar. She glanced over her shoulder as he approached. "Oh, Cloud," she greeted quietly, not wanting to break the stillness, as it seemed that any sound above a whisper might shatter the aging structure. "We were worried about you." "Worry" was an understatement, but she didn’t want to say anything to alarm him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, standing behind her.

"Just enjoying," she replied simply. "There aren’t many holy places left in the world, it seems. This place reminds me of my garden in Midgar, because there are so many voices."

Cloud stiffened. "Voices?"

"From the earth." Aeris glanced at him out the corner of her eye curiously. "Do you hear voices?"

"That’s ridiculous," he muttered, quickly averting his gaze. He sat down beside her, unsure as to what else he could do.

She paused in her prayers to watch him carefully, taking in the signs of his discomfort. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"Not really," Cloud replied. He hadn’t given her indications so far that he wanted to talk about anything, let alone something in particular. He had no reason to talk to her about anything at all, really. She wouldn’t understand.

"Okay, that’s fine." Aeris smiled and returned to her previous business, hands clasped and head bowed. Her lips trembled as if she were forming the words in her mind, and for several minutes she continued this way.

Cloud just stared, at first interested in her activities, as there were few people in Midgar that practiced any sort of religion anymore. As time passed, however, he began to get impatient. "Aren’t you going to say anything?" he asked sharply.

"I thought you didn’t want to talk."

"Well…" He snorted, and started to get up. "Sorry for bothering you."

"No—wait." Aeris took his hand, gently tugging him back. "Don’t go. Talk to me. I want to help."

Cloud sighed, settling back again. "There’s nothing to talk about," he muttered. "You probably think I’m crazy, too. You should."

"I don’t." She paused to look him over—he was sunburned, dirtied, and looked exhausted. "But when you’re missing for hours and turn up looking like this," she added with pleasant humor, "it makes me wonder."

He lowered his head—an unusual reaction, as she assumed he might become angry. "Makes me wonder, too," he whispered. "About a lot of things. A moment ago it was early morning—what happened today? Why am I so tired? Why can’t I remember? What the hell is wrong with me?"

Aeris started to speak, then closed her mouth. She remembered what Sabin had told her only a few hours earlier: Don’t admit anything. You’ve seen how he is—he can’t control himself, and that makes him dangerous. There’s nothing you can do for him now."

I’ll find a way. "Cloud," she started again, "listen to me. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I know you’re not crazy. Maybe Sephiroth is having an affect on you, or it’s paranoia from stress. But you’re not a monster."

"His hair was silver," Cloud murmured, and she had to strain to hear. "I saw it—I touched it. It was silver, just like the man in the marsh, and on the water. But then…" He raised his head, and there she saw such a look of pain and loneliness as she had never seen in a man. "It doesn’t seem real at all. What happened to me? Is it all an illusion? I’ve seen Sephiroth four times in this journey—the last time he was dead, his head blown open. They can’t all be him." He began to sag, and his palms pressed against the cold stone floor to keep himself steady. "Why is he doing this to me? I feel like I’m losing my mind. Nothing is real…"

"Cloud, stop it, please. There’s a reason behind this—I know there is." Aeris edged closer. "Try to explain it to me. Make me understand what you’re feeling, and maybe I can help."

"I feel cold. It’s everywhere, like being trapped." His lips parted and closed several times before he could speak again. "Sometimes I feel it clearly—I’m trapped. But then I lose myself, like in Junon, and I’m running. Tifa…" His brilliant blue eyes sought the shadows for the figure he knew wasn’t there. "I can’t stay in this place—I want to escape. I have to, have to escape now, quickly, but I can’t because there’s no place to go, and I’m scared. Some part of me wants to stay."

"I don’t understand." After an internal debate she touched his arm; it was burnt from the sun and coated with cold sweat. She put her other hand on his back and leaned close. "You feel trapped, and you want to escape but you can’t? Why not? Why are you afraid of escaping?"

"I have to get out of here." Cloud stood, quickly heading for the door. She followed a step behind. He didn’t go far, though—to the outskirts of town, so that they could see the last ray of daylight disappear behind the mountains to the west. He pointed toward the falling sun. "Out there," he said distantly. "That’s where I have to go. That’s where everything is waiting for me. I’m scared, but I have to—there isn’t any choice."

"Okay." Aeris took his hand, and it rested unresponsively in hers. "Then we’ll go with you. We trust you, Cloud. You have to believe that, if anything."

"Thank you." His fingers curled around hers hesitantly. "Aeris."

Sabin wandered back into the inn lobby and sat down heavily in his chair. He sighed. "Tifa’s asleep," he told his comrade, who was seated nearby. "What a mess."

Nadia nodded agreement. "Tell me about it. I’m starting to get worried—Cloud and Aeris still aren’t back. Where do you think they went?"

"Who knows?" He groaned and mashed his eye into the socket with his thumb. "With him there’s no telling. We should have gotten rid of him a long time ago—he’s out of his mind, and he could get us all killed."

"Are you sure it’s best not to tell him about what happened to him?" she asked quietly. She’d been told the whole story that morning, and was now very paranoid when she talked about it. "I mean, he’s just gonna get worse if he knows we’re all hiding things from him. I want to feel sorry for him. This can’t all be his fault, can it? Maybe if we told him…"

"What, that he was a vegetable for five years in Shin-ra? Lucca said not to mention anything. We can’t risk it." Sabin looked away. "I don’t want to try anything if it’ll endanger Tifa. Right now I don’t think I’m strong enough to defend her if he decided to hurt her, or any of us. Remember what Aeris told us about what happened with Pricilla? What if he decides he wants all of us to die, too?" He shook his head. "When we can figure out where Lucca went, things’ll be a lot easier, and then she can deal with it."

Nadia considered all this, then remarked, "You care for her an awful lot, don’t you?"

The question clearly took him by surprise. "What?"

"Tifa." She cocked her head to the side inquisitively. "Everything is ‘protect Tifa’ to you, isn’t it? Tifa this and Tifa that. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you had a crush on her."

Sabin sat up, about to respond, when the door opened and Cloud and Aeris entered. He rose to his feet without thinking. Cloud retrieved his shirt from where he’d left it on the floor that morning, and without a word disappeared into his room. "Let him be for a while," Aeris said. "He’ll be okay, I think."

Sabin regarded her doubtfully. "You think."

"Sabin, you have to understand what he’s going through. This isn’t just about him being paranoid—this is his whole life being deconstructed, and he’s terrified." She sighed. "It doesn’t help that we won’t tell him his own memory’s a lie. Can you image how he’s feeling?"

He looked away and shoved his fists in his pockets. "Guess not."

"Then please don’t judge." Aeris frowned at herself for sounding so grim, and with a determined effort added a not of cheerfulness into her voice. "Anyway, I’m going out for a while to see if I can find Lucca. I won’t stay out long."

"I’ll come too," Nadia volunteered. "If anything, Lucca can spot me before you could spot her in a place like this. Besides, we need to talk."

Aeris didn’t seem as enthusiastic as usual, but she agreed and they left. Sabin scratched his head. He hated being the nominated pessimist in the group, but he’d trained too long to let his guard down simply because the girls were falling for Cloud. He wondered what it was they found so interesting, anyway. He was cold and arrogant and a psyctsofrenic—all basically alluring attributes from a female point of view, he assumed. Grumbling discontentedly he started back toward his room, but paused when he passed by Cloud’s. He opened the door, not really knowing why, but thinking that he should for some reason.

Cloud was standing by the window, and he turned his head at the sound. His face was drawn tight, and his eyes seemed to glow against the night.

Sabin stared at him and those piercing, unnatural orbs, and internally he shivered. Someone like him was never meant to have the kind of power he has he thought to himself. "Hey Strife," he called, "you okay?"

Cloud returned his gaze and nodded very slowly. Then he turned back to the window. After another thoughtful moment Sabin left, returning to his own room.

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